How was your week? Did the joy you were filled with last week just flow right over into this week? Or did it slowly fade away as the enemy was on the prowl attempting and sometimes succeeding in filling our minds with lies, with fear, with anxiety, shame or worry? I often wonder, “How do unbelievers get through this?” “What if this would have happened even five years ago?” (my time before knowing Christ) “How would I have handled it?” “Would I have survived it?”
You see I want to help others. I want to share my brokenness. I want to share my trials. I want everyone to know that God saves, He rescues, He forgives, and He loves unconditionally. I want to share with you how God has carried me through things I once thought I could never get through! Things I know I could not have made it through without HIM! That’s why I started this blog! I may make it look easy to blog and post the things I write, but the truth is, it’s SO HARD for me, and it’s getting harder! I’ve sat down at least half a dozen times ready to write, but fear and anxiety take over. My mind goes blank. I pray and pray some more. Still nothing or maybe nothing I’m ready to share? And eventually I walk away with a mixture of emotions. I just want to rest my brain and think “nothing”. As if that is even possible.
It’s been one of those weeks for me. A week filled many different emotions. A week of sadness, of fear, of pride, of anxiety, even anger.
I was filled with pride and fear as I sat down time and time again and tried to blog. Would I say it the right way? Would I be judged? Would this help others or am I just making a fool of myself? Should I have even started this blog? Maybe I shouldn’t share all the details of my story with others? Maybe some things, the worst things shouldn’t be talked about? Is it really helping anyone? Would God want me to share this? How would it glorify God?
I was filled with grief and fear when I heard the news of another little one with cancer passing. I say I have complete peace. I know the second a little one is taken from us here on earth, that he/she is sitting on the lap of Jesus in no pain, no suffering, and no sadness, and that in no time we will be with them in Heaven! I believe this! Yet, my heart still becomes so heavy with tears of sadness and fears of the unknown! If I truly believe what I say I do, then why do I fear it?
I was filled with anxiety, worry and fear when I had to take another child of mine to the E.R. Her neck suddenly turned and stiffened to one side. The whole way to the hospital I’m pleading silently with God, “God, please no, I’ve got enough on my plate!” We get a diagnosis of “Torticollis”. Torti-WHAT? I learned of a sweet soul who actually suffers daily from this, and that it can worsen over time! Then I google it and fill my mind with many more worries and wonders.
I was filled with anger, worry, and sadness as I learned of another heartbreaking affair or divorce. Just saddens me to the core that someone can let temporary lust destroy the covenant they made before God. How can they have no remorse for their spouse or their children? How can they make the same mistake over and over again? I know God forgives, and I know He heals and restores, and for that I’m so thankful!!! I’m not here to judge. I’ve been divorced, and I’ve been the victim of an emotional affair! So when I see it happen over and over again, tearing families apart, and pulling people further and further away from God, I’m filled with many emotions. Some emotions that I as a believer shouldn’t have!
I was filled with sorrow and anguish when I learned of another teenager being killed in a car wreck over spring break. The 5th teen to die in our town in such a short period! I learned of a friend of a friends being sent to prison because of driving while intoxicated resulting in taking the life of another. I learned of many other’s stories, and of their hurts and struggles. I’ve seen unspeakable things on the news! And sometimes all these things make it so hard to see the “honey”! Sometimes it’s so hard to see God’s purpose, and His plan!
It’s been a week full of lemon’s for so many, and our minds can become filled with so much hurt or negative thoughts and worries from experiencing, or seeing, or hearing of these worldly things…that sometimes it seems impossible to see the “honey” in them! The enemy creeps in and begins to steal our joy leaving us filled with thoughts hopelessness and fear of the unknown! We start to dwell on the “What If’s?”
What if God decides to call one of my own children home? What if one day, my husband decides he’s in love with someone else? What if one of my teenagers make a horrible mistake that may even cost them their life or the life of another? What if another one of my children become chronically ill? And the lies of the enemy filling my head just start spinning out of control even down to the most ridiculous stuff like, “I’m a horrible and irresponsible mom, because my child is late to school Again, and I didn’t even read with him last night!”
I remember: The devil is always on the prowl looking to devour us, therefore we have to be self-controlled and alert! (Peter 5:8) I pray and pray some more! We have to remember WHO is really in control, always was, and always will be! We have to give all our worries and anxious thoughts to HIM! We know that tomorrow will have enough trouble of its own, and the day after that will also. (Matthew 6:34)
Then I hear, “Control. Get control Cristi. Remember ME! Do not listen to the voices that bring fear, anxiousness, anger or pride! They steal your joy and turn your attention away from ME. They are not from ME! Let My Holy Spirit fill your heart and mind, reminding you of who lives within you! Remember the many things that I have already done and the promises I have made! This life is only temporary! Stop trying to understand everything, and trust ME in all circumstances! Come to me with all your burdens and lay them at my feet! Have your hands open and ready to receive all that I have to give you no matter how hard it seems at the moment. Spend more time in My Word! Talk to ME constantly, thanking ME for everything! This is where you will find your peace, your joy, and your hope! The “honey” that you long for!”
Well hello! Yes, I know this! I’ve done it and it works every time! So why wouldn’t I just do it over and over again? You see, sometimes it’s in the midst of our trials, that we just continue to sink in our own sorrow or pity, believing the enemy’s lies. And this gets us no where, but instead starts to drown us, making it harder and harder to reach for the hand of Jesus! Thank God, nothing or no one is too far out of His reach! He’s always there, just waiting for us to reach out to Him. So when you’re gasping for another breath, renounce the enemy, and cry out to God! Talk to Him without ceasing and dig into His word! Sometimes we may not understand the “whys”, but He can give us a peace that surpasses all understanding, and He does have a plan! He promises us a hope and a future in Him! So I do these things and I also thank Him! I start thanking Him for everything!
Thank You God that You speak to me in ways I can understand! Thank You for giving me the ability to write and the boldness to share Your goodness with others. Thank You that this baby’s family knows You, Lord, and that they have a peace in knowing that their precious little one is with You! Thank You for healing Victoria! Thank You for continuing to heal Macy’s neck. Thank You for the relationship Macy has with You! Thank You for restoring my marriage! Thank You for coming into my life and the life of my husband! Thank You for another day with my children. Thank You for your grace and mercy! Thank You for Your Holy Spirit who dwells in me! Thank You, Lord, for opening my eyes and making my mind clear, reminding me of Your truth and Your promises! Please forgive me for having these thoughts or doubts that are not from You or of You! Please help me to see You in everything! In Jesus’ name ~ Amen
When we start to thank Him for all the good and all His greatness, the lies start to fade, and His truth becomes more clear, and His peace is more evident!
I cling to the verses John 16:33, I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” and Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.